As I left my mother Day 15 I leaned over to kiss her and to tell her that I love her as I always do she turned her head away. This is normal when she is aware. She is funny about people just touching her. So her actions told me that on some level she was aware. So I said her name and my name and said "I love you Ma". She turned her head back towards me and not only allowed the series of kisses , but she smiled. It was different than other recent times when we wondered of she was listening to us (which she was). He entire face changed. She actually smiled and seemed more content. Yesterday she wasn't as good but today her eyes were open and she attempted to squeeze my hand as I kissed her. I have a ritual where I kiss her cheeks and her forehead and I rub my nose against hers. She normally reciprocates. I am hers and she is mine. Today she actually looks a little more comfortable.
I was not supposed to be here. According to BOTH of my parents at different times, they both prayed hard for me. Mom had fibroids and was told she probably would not have children. According to my mother AND my father they prayed long and hard for that to change and by the time they were both 37 I was born.
Neither parent was perfect but they were the best anyone could ask for. I wouldn't have wanted anyone guiding me besides those two. They made sure I was their priority. They divorced early in my life but I didn't lose THEM. I never had to look for my father and my mother never made it difficult for me to see him. In addition neither got involved with anyone while I was growing up. They both agreed that it was bad enough they put me through a divorce. They didn't want to complicate my life further by having love interests.
As we all got older I could have spent my life elsewhere. I love California but I chose to stay near them. They were there for me, it was only fair that I stick around for them during the years they would need someone the most. Yeah, I could have enjoyed my life more somewhere else, but I have NO regrets staying. As I turn to look at her even though is is 95% non responsive I know she knows I am here. She will occasionally show signs of knowing this. It does hurt seeing her in this condition and knowing the reasons she is like this. The tears I do shed are from very good memories of her and what she meant to me. Very little regret. I owe it to her to be here everyday. I saw my father a day or two before he passed away at the nursing home. I am actually glad I was not there when he had the heart attack. The last time HE saw ME he heard me tell him that I love him. I still have the phone message he left me telling me the same.
With the both of them I was blessed.
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