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Monday, January 7, 2019

Day 11

I am writing this from home and not from my laptop.
Even though Mom was stable yesterday during my visit I was still a little disappointed.   She wasn't as responsive as she was the past two days.    I have gotten used to her slowly responding to my voice even though she won't or can't say anything. Sunday she wasn't as well.  As I wrote yesterday though her vitals were normal.
Whike I was there I checked with the nurse on Mom's blood pressure and temperature,  which were low.  Mom is getting fluid so I inquired about the output.  That was normal.   I readjusted her bed to have her head raised.  Today I will double check her I.V. port to make sure it is changed according to schedule and the oxygen assistance to see if it isn't too dry.  I had the television adjusted because there was no volume.   Calvary is doing a great job,  but I just wanted to make sure she was really comfortable.
The staff at Calvary is friendly, polite, attentive and very professional so far.  I have not been disappointed by them or by Einstein.
I want to see Mom today but I felt tired when I got home last night.  I may give myself a break today.  I have some personal business I need to take care of.
Emotionally,  this is slowly taking a toll.  I get no thrill watching my mother like this.  There are so many mixed emotions that I am feeling.    On one hand this is clearly my mother, the lady who gave birth to me.  On the other hand, in a lot of ways Mom "left" years ago.  Her smile is still there as well as some of her ways.  I don't want to see her go, but I don't want to see her like this and that makes me feel like I am ready to see her go and not suffer.  No one defined emotion.

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