Been busy and haven't posted any updates since Mom passed away.
I have been handling this well. I am sad, but not overwhelmed. I am not feeling any extraordinary grief. I miss my mother but I am ready to move on. As I said in earlier entries there are no words to describe my emotions right now. There are things I guess I am supposed to feel that I am not. Similarly, there are things I feel that don't seem right but here they are.
Because this is my mother I guess I am supposed to be overwhelmed with grief and sorrow. I actually feel both sadness and relief. I no longer have to worry about the phone ringing or being told that she is sick. I no longer have to see her in a lesser capacity than I am used to seeing her.
Believe it or not I am anxious to move on to the next phase of my life. I look forward to taking a few weekend trips and getting my apartment together.
The hard part comes tomorrow.
Monday, January 28, 2019
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
1/16/2019 Dorine Gibbs RIP
This afternoon around 12:30 my mother passed away at Calvary Hospital in the Bronx. She was 91. She was diagnosed with an unspecified form of Mrsa on December 18th and was never able to recover.
Right now I couldn't tell you what I am feeling. I honestly couldn't. I feel a number of things.
Grief: Naturally. I just suffered the loss of my mother.
Relief: I will no longer have to watch the shell of her and more importantly no longer have to watch her suffer from this infection.
Anger: Towards the people responsible for my mother's infection.
Withdrawn: I really don't feel like talking about her. As well-intentioned as people are I am not ready to deal with this to others
Ambitious: Ready to take care of her business and to move on.
To a certain degree, free: I can for now reclaim a part of my life. Still no regrets on what I have had to do.
I last visited Mom yesterday. She had difficulty breathing. Her oxygen level was at 78% so they had an oxygen mask on her, but she seemed to still have trouble breathing. This is the only time I can say she suffered. There was nothing I could do. I didn't think she had much time though.
May you rest in peace Mom.
Right now I couldn't tell you what I am feeling. I honestly couldn't. I feel a number of things.
Grief: Naturally. I just suffered the loss of my mother.
Relief: I will no longer have to watch the shell of her and more importantly no longer have to watch her suffer from this infection.
Anger: Towards the people responsible for my mother's infection.
Withdrawn: I really don't feel like talking about her. As well-intentioned as people are I am not ready to deal with this to others
Ambitious: Ready to take care of her business and to move on.
To a certain degree, free: I can for now reclaim a part of my life. Still no regrets on what I have had to do.
I last visited Mom yesterday. She had difficulty breathing. Her oxygen level was at 78% so they had an oxygen mask on her, but she seemed to still have trouble breathing. This is the only time I can say she suffered. There was nothing I could do. I didn't think she had much time though.
May you rest in peace Mom.
Monday, January 14, 2019
Day 18
I have not been too emotional during this ordeal with my mother. As I have mentioned I am at peace to a degree. It does hurt to see her non responsive. I do get a little emotional though when I relive memories. Today I got misty-eyed when I though of my worth to nmbith of my parents.
My mother would tell my name out at the nursing home whether I was present or not. A lady who shared the room with her greeted me with my full name. She knew it because of my mother. To me that is the highest honor. It shows live and trust for a person to look for YOU. My father was similar. He wouldn't budge without knowing that I knew what he was doing. I had to be doing something right. I just pray that I did everything I could. I think I did. I hope that I did.
Sunday, January 13, 2019
DAY 17: A small tribute to my parents
As I left my mother Day 15 I leaned over to kiss her and to tell her that I love her as I always do she turned her head away. This is normal when she is aware. She is funny about people just touching her. So her actions told me that on some level she was aware. So I said her name and my name and said "I love you Ma". She turned her head back towards me and not only allowed the series of kisses , but she smiled. It was different than other recent times when we wondered of she was listening to us (which she was). He entire face changed. She actually smiled and seemed more content. Yesterday she wasn't as good but today her eyes were open and she attempted to squeeze my hand as I kissed her. I have a ritual where I kiss her cheeks and her forehead and I rub my nose against hers. She normally reciprocates. I am hers and she is mine. Today she actually looks a little more comfortable.
I was not supposed to be here. According to BOTH of my parents at different times, they both prayed hard for me. Mom had fibroids and was told she probably would not have children. According to my mother AND my father they prayed long and hard for that to change and by the time they were both 37 I was born.
Neither parent was perfect but they were the best anyone could ask for. I wouldn't have wanted anyone guiding me besides those two. They made sure I was their priority. They divorced early in my life but I didn't lose THEM. I never had to look for my father and my mother never made it difficult for me to see him. In addition neither got involved with anyone while I was growing up. They both agreed that it was bad enough they put me through a divorce. They didn't want to complicate my life further by having love interests.
As we all got older I could have spent my life elsewhere. I love California but I chose to stay near them. They were there for me, it was only fair that I stick around for them during the years they would need someone the most. Yeah, I could have enjoyed my life more somewhere else, but I have NO regrets staying. As I turn to look at her even though is is 95% non responsive I know she knows I am here. She will occasionally show signs of knowing this. It does hurt seeing her in this condition and knowing the reasons she is like this. The tears I do shed are from very good memories of her and what she meant to me. Very little regret. I owe it to her to be here everyday. I saw my father a day or two before he passed away at the nursing home. I am actually glad I was not there when he had the heart attack. The last time HE saw ME he heard me tell him that I love him. I still have the phone message he left me telling me the same.
With the both of them I was blessed.
I was not supposed to be here. According to BOTH of my parents at different times, they both prayed hard for me. Mom had fibroids and was told she probably would not have children. According to my mother AND my father they prayed long and hard for that to change and by the time they were both 37 I was born.
Neither parent was perfect but they were the best anyone could ask for. I wouldn't have wanted anyone guiding me besides those two. They made sure I was their priority. They divorced early in my life but I didn't lose THEM. I never had to look for my father and my mother never made it difficult for me to see him. In addition neither got involved with anyone while I was growing up. They both agreed that it was bad enough they put me through a divorce. They didn't want to complicate my life further by having love interests.
As we all got older I could have spent my life elsewhere. I love California but I chose to stay near them. They were there for me, it was only fair that I stick around for them during the years they would need someone the most. Yeah, I could have enjoyed my life more somewhere else, but I have NO regrets staying. As I turn to look at her even though is is 95% non responsive I know she knows I am here. She will occasionally show signs of knowing this. It does hurt seeing her in this condition and knowing the reasons she is like this. The tears I do shed are from very good memories of her and what she meant to me. Very little regret. I owe it to her to be here everyday. I saw my father a day or two before he passed away at the nursing home. I am actually glad I was not there when he had the heart attack. The last time HE saw ME he heard me tell him that I love him. I still have the phone message he left me telling me the same.
With the both of them I was blessed.
Friday, January 11, 2019
Day 15
Today is Friday, January 11, and this makes day 15 that my mother has been in hospice care.
Yesterday the doctor called me to let me know Mom was doing poorly. Her blood pressure and temperature are low. She is still not communicating or eating. She wanted to prepare the family. According to her she may last hours or maybe days.
Here's the deal. Mom has had low temperature and low blood pressure since she was hospitalized last month. They haven't been able to take either whole she has been here at Calvary. Not doubting my mother is going to die but I think because the staff is different each day the person on yesterday became alarmed by the temperature and blood pressure. I mean she may still pass on within the next few days. She actually looked better the last two days than she has all week. Go figure. I am with her now and she is still non responsive but apparently comfortable.
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
DAY 12
Today is day 12 of my mother being in Calvary Hospital in the Bronx.
I don't have to say this but it is HARD coming up here to see her. Not physically, but emotionally. Even though she is supposed to be stable for now I never know when I am going to arrive in time to see the doctors working on her.
Each day she gets less and less responsive. A week ago she would move her head at the sound of my voice. She isn't doing that now. She is still responding to the music I play her.
Emotionally I am dealing. I am torn between being happy to at least be able to look at her and wanting her to go to that next plane to avoid not seeing her the way she was. Not hastening death but also not prolonging any suffering. Right now there is no quality of life. I am not ready for funeral services but I am not happy having a mother in physical shell only.
From what I gather Mom is going through two things. One is the leg infection with ties to the flesh eating bacteria and the other is apparent late stage dementia. The late stages of that disease were probably accelerated by the leg infection which is severe and in her joints.
I don't have to say this but it is HARD coming up here to see her. Not physically, but emotionally. Even though she is supposed to be stable for now I never know when I am going to arrive in time to see the doctors working on her.
Each day she gets less and less responsive. A week ago she would move her head at the sound of my voice. She isn't doing that now. She is still responding to the music I play her.
Emotionally I am dealing. I am torn between being happy to at least be able to look at her and wanting her to go to that next plane to avoid not seeing her the way she was. Not hastening death but also not prolonging any suffering. Right now there is no quality of life. I am not ready for funeral services but I am not happy having a mother in physical shell only.
From what I gather Mom is going through two things. One is the leg infection with ties to the flesh eating bacteria and the other is apparent late stage dementia. The late stages of that disease were probably accelerated by the leg infection which is severe and in her joints.
Monday, January 7, 2019
Day 11
I am writing this from home and not from my laptop.
Even though Mom was stable yesterday during my visit I was still a little disappointed. She wasn't as responsive as she was the past two days. I have gotten used to her slowly responding to my voice even though she won't or can't say anything. Sunday she wasn't as well. As I wrote yesterday though her vitals were normal.
Whike I was there I checked with the nurse on Mom's blood pressure and temperature, which were low. Mom is getting fluid so I inquired about the output. That was normal. I readjusted her bed to have her head raised. Today I will double check her I.V. port to make sure it is changed according to schedule and the oxygen assistance to see if it isn't too dry. I had the television adjusted because there was no volume. Calvary is doing a great job, but I just wanted to make sure she was really comfortable.
The staff at Calvary is friendly, polite, attentive and very professional so far. I have not been disappointed by them or by Einstein.
I want to see Mom today but I felt tired when I got home last night. I may give myself a break today. I have some personal business I need to take care of.
Emotionally, this is slowly taking a toll. I get no thrill watching my mother like this. There are so many mixed emotions that I am feeling. On one hand this is clearly my mother, the lady who gave birth to me. On the other hand, in a lot of ways Mom "left" years ago. Her smile is still there as well as some of her ways. I don't want to see her go, but I don't want to see her like this and that makes me feel like I am ready to see her go and not suffer. No one defined emotion.
Even though Mom was stable yesterday during my visit I was still a little disappointed. She wasn't as responsive as she was the past two days. I have gotten used to her slowly responding to my voice even though she won't or can't say anything. Sunday she wasn't as well. As I wrote yesterday though her vitals were normal.
Whike I was there I checked with the nurse on Mom's blood pressure and temperature, which were low. Mom is getting fluid so I inquired about the output. That was normal. I readjusted her bed to have her head raised. Today I will double check her I.V. port to make sure it is changed according to schedule and the oxygen assistance to see if it isn't too dry. I had the television adjusted because there was no volume. Calvary is doing a great job, but I just wanted to make sure she was really comfortable.
The staff at Calvary is friendly, polite, attentive and very professional so far. I have not been disappointed by them or by Einstein.
I want to see Mom today but I felt tired when I got home last night. I may give myself a break today. I have some personal business I need to take care of.
Emotionally, this is slowly taking a toll. I get no thrill watching my mother like this. There are so many mixed emotions that I am feeling. On one hand this is clearly my mother, the lady who gave birth to me. On the other hand, in a lot of ways Mom "left" years ago. Her smile is still there as well as some of her ways. I don't want to see her go, but I don't want to see her like this and that makes me feel like I am ready to see her go and not suffer. No one defined emotion.
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Day 10
I visit Mom here not because I want to but because I have to. I absolutely hate seeing her looking like this.
She had a couple of good days where she responded to me with head movements. Today not as much. Some family came by to see her and to pray for her.
Overall she is still stable. Blood pressure and temperature are low. No fever.
She had a couple of good days where she responded to me with head movements. Today not as much. Some family came by to see her and to pray for her.
Overall she is still stable. Blood pressure and temperature are low. No fever.
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Emptying my phone
Strictly cell phone pics. I can't find my memory card for the camera.
This is Rockefeller Center
JOURNAL ENTRY #114 Watching Death
I missed visiting Mom Wednesday but I am here today. No change. She is still stable. Not good because she is still not eating or speaking. I am not certain if this is the last stage of dementia or if the infection has gone to her mind. It could also be her giving up. The nurse tried to feed her and Mom clamped down and would not let her place anything in her mouth. I think she knows nothing can be done for her. Right now she is listening to my Sam Cooke playlist. She seems a little more alert but still no response when I talk to her.
Mom is still getting IV fluids.
Mom is still getting IV fluids.
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