Since April I have asked myself from time to time how I have made it emotionally since Dad passed away. To be honest I really don't know. Initially I (truthfully) said that I made peace with Dad's passing almost as soon as it happened. And I still have that peace and I am actually thankful things went the way it did. Dad was in the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease and the future with that ailment is very bleak and extremely sad. He had broken his arm and was spending time in a rehab facility. Had he survived the heart attack it would have made his situation even worse than it was. Had I been early in visiting him I would have seen him pass. I let him know I loved him every day he was alive and I did the best I could for him so aside from being unable to cure Alzheimer's I had no regrets. He was 83 when he passed and since I appreciated him while I was able to I have no regrets, thus I made peace.
However, missing him and the mourning process can be a bitch.
Even though I appreciated my Dad I wasn't fully aware of how special he was. I am finding that a lot of my values come from him....even though I am very much the opposite of him. Dad was a family man and I am not. Dad kept in touch with people and I generally do not. However his value system was unique and I try to follow it.
For instance, Dad always believed in doing the right thing, and for the right reason. It is one thing for example to help an elderly lady across the street but to Dad you helped her because it was the right thing to do and not because you wanted praise from someone. You help a person with their groceries because they need help and not because you think you will get a tip. I try my best to follow that example. Whatever I do for others I do my best to just do it and not look for thanks from the individual I assisted. Yes, hearing a "thank you" is always gratifying but not the chief reason I do what I do.
Seven months post death I still miss some of the things that may have irritated me about Dad. As the sickness progressed his attention span wasn't the same. He'd get up for the smallest reason instead of eating. He would worry about me worrying about him and I would get annoyed. I miss that. I am still not used to an empty apartment and cooking for just myself. And I wonder if I will ever get past that.
God spares her life my Mom will turn 84 in December. And as much as I love knowing that I get to see her grow older and wiser I often wonder if this is a blessing or a curse. As she has gotten older she is a little more difficult to deal with. She insists on handling her own affairs even though she forgets bills and at times her own health. And unlike Dad, Mom is less likely to work with you. Dad at least would get quiet and try to work with you.
I try to be as patient with Mom as I was with dad but it is difficult. Worse thing is I find myself being paranoid. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, and for Mom to suddenly pass away. I am guess that is normal especially since I just lost one elderly parent.
I guess the point of this entry (I know there isn't much of one) is that no matter how much you TRY to prepare and/or accept the loss of a loved one and in particular, a parent, it is not impossible, but it is an extremely had and trying process. I have yet to listen to messages dating back to March. There are people who knew Dad that still don't know. And I still have to mail out copies of the obituary. Just don't want to deal with it.
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