stages of dealing with grief

courtesy    http://www.essortment.com/stages-dealing-grief-16815.html

There are common stages an individual may experience during grief. Grief is the pain of not having the person who is gone. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.

In one way or another, we are all affected by death. Losses are inevitable and are ever present in all lives. Death is universal. Grief is universal. We all must cope with bereavement at some stage in our lives. Even though death can be separated into two categories, long-term illness and sudden death, all death is sudden. The finality of death brings to those left behind a tremendous amount of emotional pain. Grief is not something abnormal; rather, it is a normal and inevitable step in our journey through life. Two simple definitions of grief are 1) the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern or behavior. 2) a normal, natural and painful emotional reaction to loss. We can grieve not only for the passing of a human life, but also for the death of a relationship (divorce) or we can suffer the same emotional reactions over the loss of a beloved pet. Grieving is difficult because it involved many intense feelings - love, sadness, fear, anger, relief, compassion, hate, or happiness to name a few. Not everyone experiences all of these feelings but many in the grieving process experience several of them at the same time. The feelings are intense, disorganizing and can be long lasting. Grieving often feels has been described as drowning in a sea of painful emotions. There are certain stages of grief. 1) Shock - Immediately following the death of a loved one it is difficult to accept the loss. A feeling of unreality occurs. During those first days and through any religious rituals or memorials there is a feeling of being-out-of-touch. 2) Emotional Release - the awareness of just how dreadful the loss is accompanied by intense pangs of grief. In this stage a grieving individuals sleeps badly and weeps uncontrollably 3) Panic - For some time a grieving person can feel in the grip of mental instability. They can find themselves wandering around aimlessly, forgetting things, and not being able to finish what they started. Physical symptoms also can appear -- tightness in the throat, heaviness in the chest, an empty feeling in the stomach, tiredness and fatigue, headaches, migraine headaches, gastric and bowel upsets. 4) Guilt - At this stage an individual can begin to feel guilty about failures to do enough for the deceased, guilt over what happened or what didn't happen. 5) Hostility - Some individuals feel anger at what "caused" the loss of the loved one. 6) Inability to Resume Business-as-Usual Activities - the ability to concentrate on day-to-day activities may be severely limited. It is important to know and recognize that this is a normal phenomenon. A grieving person's entire being - emotional, physical and spiritual, is focused on the loss that just occurred. Grief is a 100% experience. No one does it at 50%. 7) Reconciliation of Grief - balance in life returns little by little, much like healing from a severe physical wound. There are no set timeframes for healing. Each individual is different. 8) Hope - the sharp, ever present pain of grief will lessen and hope for a continued, yet different life emerges. Plans are made for the future and the individual is able to move forward in life with good feelings knowing they will always remember and have memories of the loved one.

Grieving is difficult work. The following are some suggestion to help in navigating the journey through grief. -Take time. Don't let others rush you into "getting over" your feelings. -Don't make major decisions. The time of grief is a time of instability. -Avoid the temptation to use alcohol or drugs to numb the painful feelings.

Cry. Tears are the healthiest expression of grief. Don't try to hold back crying for the sake of others.
-Know that there will be good days and bad days. Pangs of intense grief can surface during holidays, significant events such as birthdays or anniversaries. -Remember the loved one often and as much as you need to. Look at photographs, read old letters and retell your memories to friends and other members of the family. -Seek people who will understand your need to talk about what happened. Seek out people who will really listen to your remembrances. -Allow yourself time to heal. Pay attention to your health. Make sure you are getting enough sleep. Eat a healthy diet. Get outside in the sunshine for exercise or a mild walk. -Ask for what you need from others. Accept what help they offer. Now is not the time to try to do everything by yourself. -Seek out grief counseling if you feel you cannot cope alone. Grief counseling is available through community resources, churches and licensed therapists. Join a grief support group. Local community papers will usually have listings. Use the Internet and join an electronic bulletin board dedicated to supporting individuals who have lost loved ones. -Remember your grief is individual to you. Not everyone's grief is identical to yours. You will share some similarities with others, but grieving is a very personal and very individual process. Death like any great wound leaves a scar. It may heal and the pain may ease but the mark is always there. But the memories of the loved one are always there also. The most important thing to remember is -- there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. People grieve in their own time and in their own way. The second most important thing to remember is - everything you feel during bereavement is normal. The third most important thing to remember is - if you feel you cannot cope with your loss alone, you don't have to. Seek help. Grief is the pain of not having the person who is gone. Through bereavement we learn to live without that person and in the words of St. John Chrysostorn, a bishop living in the fourth century: He whom we love and lose is no longer where he was before. He is now wherever we are.

courtesy  http://www.health.harvard.edu/fhg/updates/update1203b.shtml

Dealing with grief and bereavement

Grief will be with many of us this holiday season. If you’re over age 40, there’s a 1-in-3 chance that a close relative or friend of yours died in the last year. Or you may be among the 1 million Americans who lost a spouse. Still, in an era when the media seem to tout the wisdom of “closure” within days of any tragedy, it’s easy to feel abnormal when confronted with the long, painful, and messy process of adapting to a death.
Healthy grieving can be a slow, difficult process that lasts for months or years. And although you may gradually be able to refocus your life, you’ll probably never “get over it” or stop thinking about the person who died.
Initially, a person may feel shock and numbness as the reality of the death sinks in. Yet during that time, he or she may seem to be handling things well and may be quite competent in managing the funeral and legal matters. Later, feelings of sadness, distress, anger, and guilt may become more prominent.
To others, a grieving person may seem irritable, disorganized, or restless. Rather than “moving on,” the person often seems worse and less able to function several months after a death than he or she did during the first weeks. That’s one reason ongoing practical help and emotional support from friends is so important.
If a person feels stuck and months go by with no improvement, however slow or painful, it could be a sign of complicated grief. Complicated grief is not a mental illness; it’s the term mental health professionals use when grieving has proved to be particularly difficult and the bereaved person could benefit from professional attention.
Signs of complicated grief include an inability to accept that death has occurred; frequent nightmares and intrusive memories; withdrawal from social contact; and constant yearning for the deceased. Complicated grief is more common after a suicide or other traumatic death.
It’s important to distinguish feeling down or depressed from true clinical depression that requires treatment. A professional can help make this determination. He or she will assess whether someone is unable to cope with everyday activities and is showing symptoms not explained by grief. These include constant feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, continual thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, uncontrolled crying, delusions, and slowed thinking and physical responses.
In the year after a spouse’s death, 50% of widows develop depression. Treatment may involve medication, psychotherapy, or both. Medication does not take away grief, but rather helps a grieving person preserve the emotional energy needed to cope with feelings.
For many of the bereaved, recognizing and expressing the strong emotions associated with grief is an integral part of healing. To that end, they may want to write about their feelings, talk to friends or a spiritual adviser, see a therapist, or join a support group. Under Medicare hospice programs, bereavement counseling is available for up to a year after the death. Other things that can help:

• Group support. Relatives and friends often can’t understand what a grieving person is going through. People often find uniquely helpful support in discussing their loss with others in a similar situation.
  
  Bereavement support groups may be general or may focus on a particular disease or type of relationship. They’re not meant to be psychotherapy, although some are led by professionals. Some are ongoing; others are time-limited. A local hospice, hospital, or community organization may be able to guide you to a group that is capably led and seems like a good fit.
• Individual therapy. You may not be comfortable speaking in a group setting. Perhaps your relationship with the deceased was troubled, and you have difficulty talking about it. Or you wish to address unresolved issues from your past that a recent death has brought to the fore. In that case, working with a therapist one-on-one may be easier.
• No pressure to talk. At the same time, new research suggests that people who find it difficult to disclose their feelings shouldn’t be pressured to do so. In two European studies that followed widows and widowers for two years, neither talking nor writing about the loss reduced distress. (Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, February 2002.)

Help for the holidays

Some people who are grieving find it reassuring to participate in holiday activities as usual. Others may find it too painful to do so. Here are a few ideas to help you through the holiday season, however you choose to observe it.
Build on tradition. For the holiday meal, place a lighted candle on the table in honor of the deceased; include one of his or her favorite foods. Create a memorial ornament or decoration. If the person who has died always played a special role in holiday festivities, formally ask another family member to carry on the tradition.
If tradition is too painful, change the way you celebrate. Instead of putting up a Christmas tree indoors, decorate an outdoor tree with lights and food items for the birds. Go out for dinner with friends or family instead of trying to have a crowd in for a holiday meal. Instead of staying at home, where memories may be strongest, take a holiday trip.
Do something for others. Volunteer to help others, through your place of worship or a charity. Invite someone who is alone during the holiday to join you and your family for a meal, a religious service, or an activity such as a concert. Make a donation to a favorite cause in memory of the deceased.
Help yourself adjust. Let others know that you might not participate in all the usual festivities. For example, you may feel like attending a religious service, but not the gathering that follows. Feel free to change plans at the last minute. Cry if you need to. Let others know if it’s OK for them to share their memories of the deceased with you.

The physical side of grief

Grief is physical as well as emotional. After a death, you may lose your appetite or have trouble sleeping. Other symptoms include abdominal or chest pain, headache, fatigue, heart palpitations, dizziness, and muscle tension.
Bereavement can also have subtler effects on health. Recently widowed women show reduced activity of natural killer cells (cells that attack viruses and tumors) and higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol compared with women whose husbands are still alive. Persistently elevated levels of stress hormones can reduce immunity, raise blood pressure and cholesterol, and induce abnormal heart rhythms.
In addition, some people are too upset to follow their usual diet, exercise, and medication regimens in the months following a death. All this can lead to a decline in health and an increased risk of death — particularly from heart disease — in the year or two following a loss.
If you think you’re experiencing grief-related physical symptoms, your clinician can help determine whether a medical workup is warranted and may be able to help you find emotional as well as medical support. She or he may prescribe medication for insomnia or anxiety and will monitor its use to prevent drug tolerance or dependency

Last of the articles I came across a few articles that may help anyone faced with the loss of a parent courtesy of MayoClinic:





Original Article:  http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/grief/MY02337

 

Dealing with grief: Confronting painful emotions

By Edward T. Creagan, M.D. Sooner or later, each of us will experience that dagger in the heart called grief — and dealing with grief is a challenge like no other. How can you pick up the pieces, heal the wounds and move on with the rest of your life without feeling like you're betraying the memory of your loved one?

Facing the unexpected emotions of grief

As an oncologist, every day I see people who have cancer struggle with death and dying. Every day, I also see families struggle with the inevitable end of life — families who aren't really prepared for the avalanche of emotions that sweep over them when the final moment comes, even if they knew death was imminent.
I know how challenging and devastating the raw, intense emotions of grief can be, because it's happened to me.
I went for a run one frigid winter morning nearly 30 years ago. When I got home, my son, Ed, then 18, compassionately broke the news — my mother had died. Even though my mother had struggled with breast cancer and alcoholism, the news struck me like a two-by-four whipsawed across my abdomen. I felt drained of every ounce of vitality. It took all the energy I had to keep from slumping to the floor. As the hours evolved into days, it became exhausting — even physically painful — to make any decisions. Our family was completely unprepared for the feelings of confusion and disorganization following the news.

Easing the healing process of grief

Painful as my own grief was, my mother's death gave me new insight on dealing with grief. Although there are no quick fixes for the anguish after a loved one's death, I learned that you can take steps to make the coping easier. Here are my suggestions:

• Actively grieve and mourn. Grief is an inner sense of loss, sadness and emptiness. Mourning is how you express those feelings. You might plan a funeral or memorial service, wear black, and carry a somber demeanor. Both grief and mourning are natural and necessary parts of the healing process after a loss.
• Acknowledge your pain. If you don't face your grief, your wounds might never quite go away. Accept that the pain you're feeling is part of dealing with grief and moving toward a state of healing and acceptance.
• Look to loved ones and others for support. Spending some time alone is fine, but isolation isn't a healthy way to deal with grief. A friend, a confidant, a spiritual leader — all can help you along the journey of healing. Allow loved ones and other close contacts to share in your sorrow or simply be there when you cry.
• Don't make major decisions while grieving. Grief clouds the ability to make sound decisions. If possible, postpone big decisions — such as moving, taking a new job or making major financial changes. If you must make decisions right away, seek the input or guidance of trusted loved ones or other close contacts.
• Take care of yourself. Grief consumes a significant amount of energy. Your will to live and ability to follow normal routines might quickly erode. To combat these problems, try to get adequate sleep, eat a healthy diet and include physical activity in your daily routine. Consider a medical checkup to make sure your grief isn't adversely affecting your health — especially if you have any existing health conditions.
• Remember that time helps, but it might not cure. Time has the ability to make that acute, searing pain of loss less intense and to make your red-hot emotions less painful — but your feelings of loss and emptiness might never completely go away. Accepting and embracing your new "normal" might help you reconcile your losses.

Losing a loved one is devastating. Someday, however, the sun will shine again. The day will seem brighter and your life will go on — even if it'll never be quite the same.
Edward T. Creagan, M.D.
Division of Medical Oncology
Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn.

Resting in peace

Exactly two years ago today Dad passed away at Jacobi Hospital in the Bronx.  He would have turned 84 that July.

These past two years  have been ok.  Even though  I haven't experienced any huge grief I wish I could tell you I have completely moved on.  I can honestly sayy I think about Dad every day and have thought about him every day since he died.  A friend at work once told .e that you never get over it (your parents passing away) and I realize she was telling the truth.  I have had two dreams about him during the past two weeks that I can remember.

I have a lot of my mother in me but even before he passed away I find myself taking after Dad more and more.  I find myself doing certain thing now and hoping that he is watching from heaven in approval.

I hope you are resting in peace in a much happier place.  Even though I tried to do for you what I thought was best I mainly hope to I accomplished my goal of keeping you happy and comfortable.

Young and Homeless in Las Vegas

This story is interesting.  I am including the actual url in case the link doesn't work.  I am hoping you can read the comments to the story as well.  People are a foul lot.  Granted there are people out there homeless  by choice, meaning that they COULD have gone to school or done certain reasonable things to avoid their situation but chose to basically do what they wanted.  In general we don't ever know because we usually do not know the individual.  I still don't think that most people deserve to live on the street.

http://www.8newsnow.com/story/20428674/homeless-youth



Young and Homeless in Las Vegas: Homeless youth advocates estimate there are thousands of homeless youth on the streets of Las Vegas. Anchor Paul Joncich spent the day with one young homeless man to see what he endures on a daily basis.

Witness - Under the Neon - Part 2

Witness - Under the Neon - Part 1

Homeless People Living Underneath Las Vegas

Tunnels Under Sin City Las Vegas Homeless Underground

At the library

I am at the Mid-Manhattan Library trying to get some writing done since it is nearly impossible to do so at work.   As soon as I arrive I go to the restroom and there is a homeless man bathing in the sink.  My anger is reserved not for the library or the gentleman washing his armpits in the sink.  I once again cannot understand people who balk at directing money towards programs designed to help people and keep things like this from happening.  I do think things will change in the future.  I am positive the situation will get worse.  I am convinced I am living in Hell.

An idea

I know I am going to get bashed for at least a part of this idea but screw it.  I just got off the phone with a friend and came to the conclusion we need homeless services on a federal level. 
It started off with a message from him claiming there were more homeless in Las Vegas than here in New York (he is on a vacation out in Vegas).  I found that hard to believe, but he described what he saw and told me about some alleged underground homeless.  According to him though you can apparently be homeless in Las Vegas but not necessarily go hungry because agencies collect food from the numerous casinos and feed the displaced.
This country needs to come to grips that we are responsible to provide. A certain amount of services.  I am not saying to give people the world but at the very least, to the citizens of this country, on all levels of government (federal, state and local) we need to provide care for those who need it.   That service should connect with state and local branches to ensure that nobody is hungry and that people at least have a safe place to sleep.  The trend of "fend for yourself or starve" needs to stop.  Its the humane way to approach the problem.  For people more interest in dollars and sense we are wasting money and clogging the legal system going arresting and jailing the homeless.  Apply that money towards something productive and we might go somewhere positive.